It's a lot of everything, overwhelming, and sometimes Klaus just doesn't understand his own feelings, doesn't understand why he feels things. There's been a lot of things in his life that he's shut down with drugs, things that he's never had a chance to process or deal with, and Ben's death is one of them, especially since Ben had always been with him since he died. It hadn't ever exactly felt real, in the midst of a life that feels like a fever dream, large swaths of it wiped out of his memory by alcohol and codeine and morphine and pot.
Somehow, now, in the bath, it's really hitting home how much he'd missed Ben, how much the loss of him had hurt, how much of a difference it had made when he died. It hits home that after Ben had died, Klaus hadn't been hugged for over a decade by someone who really cared about him.
There's something incredibly calming about the way Ben narrates what he's feeling to Klaus, because he could feel it, could feel his mind slipping into that place where he hears helicopters and smells gunpowder and feels the crushing grief of missing Dave so much he feels like his heart is going to explode. It's something Dave had done, on the battlefield, when things got really bad, reminding him where he was, what he was doing, how he felt, grounding him in reality.
Klaus chokes on a sob, curling his fingers into Ben's hair again.
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2019-05-06 04:57 am (UTC)Somehow, now, in the bath, it's really hitting home how much he'd missed Ben, how much the loss of him had hurt, how much of a difference it had made when he died. It hits home that after Ben had died, Klaus hadn't been hugged for over a decade by someone who really cared about him.
There's something incredibly calming about the way Ben narrates what he's feeling to Klaus, because he could feel it, could feel his mind slipping into that place where he hears helicopters and smells gunpowder and feels the crushing grief of missing Dave so much he feels like his heart is going to explode. It's something Dave had done, on the battlefield, when things got really bad, reminding him where he was, what he was doing, how he felt, grounding him in reality.
Klaus chokes on a sob, curling his fingers into Ben's hair again.
"And you're alive. Fuck, Ben...I missed you."